I’m having one of those weeks.
It’s the kind of week where nothing terrible is happening, no one has died recently, my car is running, my dog is healthy, and I should be thankful for all that I have and my beautiful life.
And I guess on some deeply interior level I am grateful. I recognize that I am glad to be who I am, living where I am, doing what I am. But I just can’t seem to feel the gratitude this week.
Because, yes, most things are good. But there are bad things too. Family things, mostly. Some new transitions. I’ll be moving out of my house in 9 days, and I have to live the gypsy life for a few weeks until our new place is ready. But I’m not really worried about that. I do worry about my dad, my mom, my siblings. I worry about becoming an adult. I worry about dying from a gas leak or carbon monoxide poisoning. (Have I mentioned to you I am a worrier? I am. Big Time.) And I also feel sad because I’m missing some pretty important people in my life whom I’d rather be here with me. It’s been one year since Aunt E passed. And I miss my Nana. I want her to rub my back and tell me stories and have me help her bake a cake. But she can’t and it makes me sad.
I guess I just have what the French call ennui. I’m prone to bouts of depression, but this time it feels existential in nature. Like, what is the point of anything right now?
It’s times like these I sometimes forget about God. Of course I’m studying about and talking about and reading about God everyday in seminary, and I think about God on Sunday morning, and in my weekly bible study, and sometimes in my covenant group. But when you’re in the zip-lock bag of depression, you forget that God is in there with you. And outside of it and all around it. You forget that God is more than an intellectual concept to be talked about and debated about. You forget that there is something greater than yourself that shouldn’t understand anything you’re going through because she’s off being god-like in the great cosmos, but she does understand exactly what you’re going through because she loves you so much she became human and went through humiliation and abandonment just to know the deepest levels of human suffering and never leave you alone again EVER.
That is pretty amazing love.
Now, I am not encouraging the “snap out of it” method of dealing with despair. And those of you who don’t understand it or have never been through it may not understand why certain people have trouble letting themselves out of the zip-lock. And I’m no expert by any means. I heard an on-air interview with the singer song-writer Neko Case a few days ago. And she said something like, “There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. It just sucks. Okay? It sucks. But when you stop analyzing it to death, you can sometimes start to move on.”
So it sucks that I’m having one of these weeks. It sucks that I miss the recent members of my great cloud of witnesses so much it hurts. But it’s also kind of beautiful, right? Because they’re not gone. They’re here with me. And this isn’t the end, I will see them again (thank you, Miss Underwood). And even though I will never be the type of person who doesn’t worry about things, I can accept that about myself, just like I’ve accepted it before. One thing I continually learn as I grow is that I sometimes continually learn the same lesson. Like, “Depend on God.” Or, “Accept yourself.” Or, “It gets better.” These lessons just don’t seem to sink in. But that’s okay, because re-learning them is sort of cathartic in a way. Like, “Oh yeah, I remember this feeling!”
I promise one day soon I will get back to my “25” list. I’ve made progress in some areas, not so much in others. But I’m trying. And therefore my journey continues.